Grateful in the midst of busy days

In the busyness of life this past week, I didn't even realize that the original date I went into labor with the triplets had come and gone. Yet I still think about that night. Frequently. Last year I wrote about it here. That night was so scary for us and physically painful- for one, the medicine they gave me made my skin feel on fire, and yet those meds worked. By the grace of God, our triplets weren't born that night and held on five more weeks even.

I never thought I'd say this, but there's something about that period of time when I was on hospital bed rest and then home bed rest that I miss. Life slowed wayyyyyy down and everything that mattered was so crystal clear. My only to-do list each day was to spend time with Colin and try and keep the triplets in another day. I spent a lot of time with my family, who brought home cooked meals to the hospital almost every night. We'd sit and talk for hours and they'd encourage me. Chris would rub my back each night as I tried to get comfortable. Sometimes Chris would stay overnight and we'd watch the city lights, always commenting on how the hospital room had arguably one of the best views in the city, like a trendy hotel that we'd never afford, and yet there we were. Amidst a very uncertain time, there was so much love and beautiful memories were made.

What I remember most about that time though was how painful it was to be apart from Colin. He'd come to visit each day but my heart just ached to be home with him. The other thing I remember is how our families and friends immediately stepped up to fill in however needed. Warm meals, caring for Colin, just being there. 

Life is so busy lately. We're fighting colds, constantly making runs to the grocery store, making meals, playing, tripping over toys, cleaning up toys, kissing boo- boos, washing cloth diapers, negotiating fights over toys, planning a four year old birthday..... sometimes it's hard to slow down, and yet in the midst of all this I acknowledge that my children are healthy (okay, not right now per se.... they all have this darn cold!) but they are healthy. They are happy. I don't take this for granted. Just last week, I heard about triplets near my hometown born very early and one didn't survive. My heart absolutely breaks for that family.

Our triplets have come so far since their birth day.

For one, they are such little talkers now! It always amazes me how fast language starts to expand and before you know it new words are exploding everyday. Yesterday, Finn ran up to me as I was sneaking a granola bar for myself and announced, "Mommy, I'm hungry!" I thought to myself, "Since when are you talking in sentences?!?"

They're really not babies anymore and yet when I'm holding them, my mind still often wanders to those afternoons in the nicu, holding them against my chest, skin to skin, rocking to the hum of the monitors and praying that they'd be okay. Longing to just to take them home.

And now they're almost two. How blessed we are to experience this next developmental phase with them. They are full of energy, mischief, ideas they want to express and an emerging desire for independence. It's not always easy to navigate but I give such thanks for all of it!

The day you weren't born

In five short weeks you'll each turn one year old. 

Wow. 

What a celebration that will be. We'll have a party, everyone who loves you will gather around and laugh as you all dig into cake with funny party hats on. It will be a great day! 

But as your mom, this day also feels incredibly significant.... at least one year out it does. Maybe the feelings about that day will gradually feel less raw as the years go by. 

It's the day everybody thought you would be born.... but you weren't.

I've never felt so scared, so not in control, and so helpless as when labor was progressing at a speed and intensity that felt unstoppable. And yet everything in my being was willing it to stop.  I remember that I kept telling anyone who would listen, "This wasn't the plan!" HA!  It wasn't my plan, that's for sure. And what did I think? That somehow if the doctors knew this wasn't my plan, that they'd say, "Oh, okay then, let's forget this ever happened and send you home happy and pregnant."

 Everybody prepared for your arrival that night. The NICU team came in to talk with us between contractions to explain what you'd face being born this early. They told us we wouldn't be able to hold each of you. That made me cry. The little carts with tubes and lights and everything else were prepped and ready. Since then I've met other triplet moms who've had babies born that early and are now thriving. I know that outcomes can be great. But no doubt, being born at barely 29 weeks presents certain risks and challenges, and longer NICU stays. As your mommy, I wasn't ready to have you go into that environment.... not at all.  I wanted you in my belly, close to me, listening to my heartbeat and free of wires, pin pricks and all the other stuff that goes along with NICU stays. 

And then at almost 5 c.m. labor started slowing, the night passed and at some point I must have fallen asleep because I blinked my eyes open to see the sun coming up. Morning had come and you hadn't been born. 

I think about that long night sometimes and I don't know why we got so lucky. I'd had a routine doctors appointment that very day which caught labor early. I was 1.5 cm. without a clue that I was even in labor. By the time we reached labor and delivery, basically down the hall, I was 2 cm then quickly 3 cm. Still, I didn't feel contractions that felt out of the realm of what I normally felt as "stretching" day to day. It was also the first appointment in months that Chris had accompanied me to, because he'd happened to have an opening in his work schedule. Another weird coincidence because Lord knows, I needed him by my side as soon as they said, "You're in labor."

In my heart I feel certain that if I hadn't had that scheduled doctors appointment, on that very day, at that time, I wouldn't have realized that I was in labor until it was too late to stop it.

Today my heart is filled with deep gratitude.
Gratitude that for reasons I may never understand, the events one year ago today unfolded in such a mysterious and perfect way that allowed each one of you to stay snuggled up together in my belly for 5 more weeks. It wasn't easy but it will remain one of the great blessings of my life.

Get ready to party in five more weeks :)

Best laid plans....

In my head, this is how the birth of our triplets would unfold:

I'd carry them until at least 35 weeks, maybe even longer, then I'd go into labor naturally, head to the hospital and naturally deliver them. They would be great in size and healthy so they'd stay in our room with us. In my head I always pictured the three of them lined up next to my bed. Never really allowed myself to picture them in the NICU. I envisioned the main challenges of our first days together as being how I would coordinate feeding, and how Chris and I would find any time to sleep. Those would be our primary worries. I pictured our 3 healthy, chubby little men coming home all together with us whenever I also left the hospital. And then our lives with triplets plus one would continue to unfold at home. Best laid plans....

I'm typing this from my hospital room right now, 4 cm dilated with contractions slowing but not completely gone. I'm 29 weeks and 4 days. The doctors are continuing to do all they can to stop labor for as long as possible. This could be for a day, a few days, a week or dare I hope, a few more weeks.

On tuesday, after such an uneventful pregnancy, I suddenly went into labor. At a routine doctors appointment I shared with them that I thought I'd noticed some occasional brackston hicks contractions but nothing that I was concerned about. However, when the doctor checked my cervix, I was 1 1/2 c.m. dilated. I was shocked because each week I'd had such completely uneventful check ups. Then I assumed that since I was dilated a bit, that would mean I now had to see the doctor weekly..... instead she immediately sent us over to labor and delivery.

By the time they checked me again, contractions were getting stronger and I was two cm dilated, then three, then almost five.

CRAP.

Chris and I just kept looking at each other in disbelief. This wasn't the plan!

We kept saying, "Can you believe this is happening?!"


As a pediatric occupational therapist myself, I know all too well the dangers babies face when born into this world too early. 29 weeks is TOO EARLY. And yet, the contractions wouldn't stop. The doctors started giving me a dose of steroids which helps speed of development of the babies- particularly lung development, and also gave me medicine to try and stop contractions. When the contractions didn't seem to be slowing and my cervix just kept dilating, they also began giving me drugs with anticipation of possible delivery- magnesium to reduce risk of cerebral palsy, as well as penicillin and some others.

Then the NICU doctors arrived to share with us what our babies might look, be like, and face if born now. It was the worst, hardest conversation that I've ever had to sit through. Honestly, I just couldn't wait for them to leave because I didn't want to hear anymore. If we were scared before, we were terrified after that discussion.

And so a long night began. Lot's of poking, prodding, monitoring and other not fun medical procedures. Without question or hesitation I'll go through anything I have to for these babies, but it wasn't fun. I kept thinking back to when I was on this very same floor laboring with colin, how different it was. Also uncomfortable certainly, but I knew that I had a baby to look forward to at the end of all of it, one that I could immediately cuddle and nurse and be with every second. This time around, on this night, the goal/ the prize, wasn't to have the babies but avoid it if at all possible.

I finally fell asleep around 6 a.m. and when I woke up things had subsided a bit. The contractions spaced out and by the end of the day we knew that they weren't changing the cervix anymore- for now at least. Obviously, that was EXCELLENT news. It also meant that I got to switch from the labor and delivery floor to a monitoring floor. I got to sleep last night without any wires hanging off me or middle of the night medical procedures which was blissful!

So the plan is to just wait and see.... and hope. Hope that labor continues to be stalled as long as possible so these boys can stay put as long as possible. But also hope that if they have to come much sooner than we planned, that they will be healthy and that somehow we will find strength as parents that we didn't know we had, to help them in their nicu journey.

Meanwhile I'm waiting for little c to arrive ANY MINUTE. I can hardly wait to see him, hug him, kiss him and allow his smile remind me of all that is good and right in this world.