The day you weren't born

In five short weeks you'll each turn one year old. 

Wow. 

What a celebration that will be. We'll have a party, everyone who loves you will gather around and laugh as you all dig into cake with funny party hats on. It will be a great day! 

But as your mom, this day also feels incredibly significant.... at least one year out it does. Maybe the feelings about that day will gradually feel less raw as the years go by. 

It's the day everybody thought you would be born.... but you weren't.

I've never felt so scared, so not in control, and so helpless as when labor was progressing at a speed and intensity that felt unstoppable. And yet everything in my being was willing it to stop.  I remember that I kept telling anyone who would listen, "This wasn't the plan!" HA!  It wasn't my plan, that's for sure. And what did I think? That somehow if the doctors knew this wasn't my plan, that they'd say, "Oh, okay then, let's forget this ever happened and send you home happy and pregnant."

 Everybody prepared for your arrival that night. The NICU team came in to talk with us between contractions to explain what you'd face being born this early. They told us we wouldn't be able to hold each of you. That made me cry. The little carts with tubes and lights and everything else were prepped and ready. Since then I've met other triplet moms who've had babies born that early and are now thriving. I know that outcomes can be great. But no doubt, being born at barely 29 weeks presents certain risks and challenges, and longer NICU stays. As your mommy, I wasn't ready to have you go into that environment.... not at all.  I wanted you in my belly, close to me, listening to my heartbeat and free of wires, pin pricks and all the other stuff that goes along with NICU stays. 

And then at almost 5 c.m. labor started slowing, the night passed and at some point I must have fallen asleep because I blinked my eyes open to see the sun coming up. Morning had come and you hadn't been born. 

I think about that long night sometimes and I don't know why we got so lucky. I'd had a routine doctors appointment that very day which caught labor early. I was 1.5 cm. without a clue that I was even in labor. By the time we reached labor and delivery, basically down the hall, I was 2 cm then quickly 3 cm. Still, I didn't feel contractions that felt out of the realm of what I normally felt as "stretching" day to day. It was also the first appointment in months that Chris had accompanied me to, because he'd happened to have an opening in his work schedule. Another weird coincidence because Lord knows, I needed him by my side as soon as they said, "You're in labor."

In my heart I feel certain that if I hadn't had that scheduled doctors appointment, on that very day, at that time, I wouldn't have realized that I was in labor until it was too late to stop it.

Today my heart is filled with deep gratitude.
Gratitude that for reasons I may never understand, the events one year ago today unfolded in such a mysterious and perfect way that allowed each one of you to stay snuggled up together in my belly for 5 more weeks. It wasn't easy but it will remain one of the great blessings of my life.

Get ready to party in five more weeks :)