Dear Pump,

We must say goodbye. 

It shouldn't be too hard... in fact, over the past 5 months I share how much I detest you whenever the opportunity arises. 

And yet, on some level it is.....

At the end of each month I get a reminder call from the rental company to either return you, or pay up for another month. Each month I choose to renew you, even though it doesn't make much sense anymore. You see, I hardly ever use you anymore.

You've kept me up many late nights, that's for sure. At first you were my only link to providing breast milk to my babies. We met up every two hours, then slowly our visits got more infrequent. But you were always there in the corner of my room.... staring me down.

There's something about returning you that signifies that my itty bitty babies really are growing up and that I'm really never going to fill up that freezer we got solely for the purpose of storing breast milk. Both realities are a concession of sorts.

But I don't need you so much any more. In fact, my little guys have become quite the nursers these days. I've let go of the dream of providing mostly my milk to them and instead we catch quiet moments of nursing togetherness when we can. 

During the quiet of the night nuzzled up against each other, during a warm afternoon when everyone else is asleep, or when the tears start and only the oldest of calming methods will do.

It's wonderful, it's beautiful, and it's enough.