Peace

Well, I haven't blogged in almost a week because I sort of went into a state of shock over this news. One of the qualities in myself that I just wish I could get over already is that I tend of overanalyze; to look back on decisions made and question them over and over until I make myself crazy. And this week I was doing just that. Did we make the right decision to use science to help us have more children? While I'm thrilled at the prospect of more babies, I wonder, "Was this God's plan for us or did we try and play God by messing with science?" I wonder this because a triplet pregnancy is high risk and the last thing I'd want is for our decisions to put any babies at risk. Nor do I want to scar Colin by adding 3 siblings all at once to his little world. Maybe we should have thought of this prior to getting help? Although having triplets was a remote possibility. I never saw this coming, and neither did the doctors.

I worry how people will judge us. But I also feel that unless you know the pain of miscarriage(s) (and I'm not talking physical), or what it feels like to desire a baby with every cell in your being and repeatedly look at pregnancy tests that always seem to say, "negative", or what it feels like to have medical tests come back that indicate reasons for which getting pregnant might be harder for you, it's not fair to judge a person who chooses to get help through modern medicine. I thought modern medicine would help us have a sibling for colin, maybe two. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be sitting here with three hearts beating in my uterus.

I'm a spiritual person. I believe that God has a plan for each of us. As I worried this past week about many things, including, who will watch my little man if I go on bed rest, or how we'll care for three newborn babies at once while still being parents to our amazing toddler, I kept coming back to this. I thought that if this pregnancy had happened without any help whatsoever, then I would just immediately know that it's God's plan for our family and I could embrace it all and trust it will work out. However, it feels harder to trust without knowing if I have God's blessing.

So I thought and thought and thought about these things all week. And then tonight, after colin fell asleep I had a loooong talk with my mom. As I shared these worries and questions I gained a peace about it.

The peace I have now is that I believe 100 percent that God's hand is in this. He gives us science to utilize, but ultimately HIS plan unfolds. I think it's funny that I always thought I'd have four kids. I always wanted four kids. Today when I was holding colin, I thought how strange and awesome it is that I'm holding one of my babies while three others grow inside me. I've got my four babies. I AM BLESSED BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS. Only God could plan this.