Friday, February 26, 2010

Baby fever

We've been trying to have another baby for a while now. I am immersed in baby fever. Having my son almost a year ago made me realize that I'm born to be a mother. As a little girl, I loved playing with dolls, I adored my baby brothers because they were even better than dolls. I'd dress them, feed them, and change their diapers. But when I reached my 20's, I decided that getting married and having children would be something I did much, much later. I was too busy having fun, back packing in random corners of the world, and focusing on my career. I couldn't imagine myself with a child until I was almost 31.

And then one day, we decided to take the plunge. When I stopped taking my birth control, I'd felt like I was jumping off a cliff into uncharted territory. Surely, I'd get pregnant right away, have a baby and the baby would change our life (meaning no more travel, no more long, wine filled dinners, and no more sleeping until noon).

Well, 9 months later, after a bit of clomid, one miscarriage and many tears, I was finally looking at a pregnancy test with two lines. What a feeling.

Fast forward to when my little man arrived. Our lives did change but not quite in the ways I expected. In many ways it was easy to trade our fancy dinners for dinner in feeding myself while nursing the baby. It was easy to trade trips to random parts of the world for trips to the playground. I just wasn't prepared for motherhood to feel soooo right. It is what I'm meant to do and I long for more.

That's why when little c was only 7 months, we started trying again but each month that I see a negative result, that moment seems to get more and more painful. I wonder, "did I wait too long to have kids"?

The crazy part is that this month I really thought I was pregnant. Well, it's not over yet, but this morning on a highly sensitive test, I got a clear negative result. I'm so bummed out. I know that God has a plan for us but I'm worried. I just pray we can be blessed with even more and that little c can know the joy of siblings.

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