Thoughts while on the train

I wrote this while traveling last Saturday, Dec. 19 but forgot to post. Here it is:

I'm on the train with little c and we’re heading to Michigan for Christmas. Chris will meet us there on Wednesday. He’s tackling the master bathroom during the next 4 days…. We left it in almost shambles and I’m hoping and praying that when we return I have a finished bathroom with subway marble tile, a rain shower, and a gorgeous, new, dark wooden vanity with marble top. I can hardly stand the wait.

I haven’t a clue how my husband can turn our measly, outdated bathroom into the masterpiece we’ve created in our minds but I have no doubt that he will. It will require walls coming down, major plumbing adjustments, moving a toilet, building new walls..... re-wiring the electricity. Seriously, how do some people just know how to do this?? He’s got such a talent for carpentry, and plumbing apparently.... and electricity apparently.... and for tasks associated with building and remodeling that I don't even know the terms for. I seem to find out something new about him with each home project he tackles. Sure, the lights did flicker in the whole house for about a month after the last time he wired new electricity, but that's not the norm. The norm is I'm pretty freaking impressed with what he does.

I didn’t know he could do this type of work when I married him but it’s certainly one of the things that I admire most about him now. There’s just something about a man that can build things. :-)

Very sexy.

So anyway, I’m on the train with little c. He’s finally tired himself out and is laying beside me with his giraffe covering his eyes.

So cute.

I’m amazed at how social he’s become recently. Last time we rode the train, which was on Thanksgiving day, he smiled at people passing by and engaged with them a bit but now he’s suddenly reached a whole other level of communication. He’s babbling nonstop (I felt bad for all the people trying to sleep on the train earlier!) and wanting to “show” his favorite toys. Someone will pass by our row and he’ll babble to get their attention, then smile and proudly hold up his toy. It’s as if he’s saying “look at this!”. He’s also started pointing and waving.

So yummy to watch!

When we first boarded the train, I sat him on the seat next to me and he immediately grabbed his hammer (new favorite toy!) and began hammering away on the armrest. I find this curious because like I said, my husband is often hammering away at home. Colin wouldn’t already be picking up on that and imitating would he?? Maybe in our subconscious we’ve directed him toward the hammer because we think it’s adorable to see him be like daddy.

Or maybe he is just like his Daddy.

Most people say that little c looks just like me, but I see a lot of his father in him already. Something in my bones tells me that he will have his father’s patient and curious disposition. Always seeking to solve the puzzle, fix the problem, or build the solution. This takes a certain kind of mind and a certain disposition.... one that clearly I don't have. But my husband does, and as I watch my son hammer away at his seat on the train, I smile to think that he has that in him too.

Time out!

I am at my wits end.

If you could see me right now, you would probably guess that I must have at least 5 kids. I look exhausted. My hair is greasy with grey streaks (haven't seemed to get time to update my color) and unbrushed. I'm wearing my husbands painting shirt (first thing that I saw on the chair next to my bed this morning- seemed clean), with jeans and pink slippers. No make-up of course. After vowing to decrease my caffeine intake, I started the day with a cup of decaff coffee. Currently, I'm on my 3rd cup of regular coffee.... that resolution sure didn't last long. Today is one of those days where I just want to yell, "Time out! I need a break!" However, I don't have 5 unruly children running around. I have one intensely curious little man, constantly on the move and into everything. Well, not everything. He seems bored by his old toys and more interested in anything that he's NOT supposed to have. So I feel like I've spent most of my day thwarting his ideas. Poor little guy.

"No you can't eat the Christmas ornament, no you can't pull the jars out of the fridge, no you can't play with the knifes in the dishwasher, no you can't have the sandwich mommy is trying to put in her mouth, no you can't chew on the lamp cord."

For the record, it's not like I leave the dishwasher or fridge open, it's just that inevitably I need something out of there and when I do open either, he's right on my tail..... boom boom boom boom....I hear him crawl up behind me. And boy does he let me know that he doesn't appreciate when I try and redirect him.

The frustration I feel today isn't towards my little man. I feel frustrated with myself when I feel my patience waining. I feel so disappointed in myself when I'm less than the mother I envision for him. I'm mad at myself for not being able to stay one step ahead of him and create an always safe environment for him to explore freely. A side note: we're currently remodeling our home and that creates even more obstacles and hazards for a newly exploring crawler. While I should be thankful for even having a home, today I feel just frustrated that it's in the middle of a remodel and thus it's near impossible to put little c down to safely explore.

Motherhood is hard work. The voice is the back of my head is saying, "Nonsense, you only have one child! How can you complain?" But it's the truth. We all have our own challenges and insecurities as mothers. We all also have an idealized image of the mother we want to be for our children. I know that I can't live up the image of the mother that I wish for my son to have. I'm not perfect. But I hope and pray that I can be good enough for what he needs me to be.

-Sigh-

I think God created nap time to allow parents to recharge their batteries somewhat. The little man has been asleep for over 30 minutes now. I've just about finished my 3rd cup of coffee, had some time to myself and now keep checking the monitor to see when he'll be up again.... I already miss him.

Skinamarinkidinkidink Skinamarinkidoo I love you

Skinamarinkidinkidink, skinamarinkido. I love you!

I love you in the morning, and in the afternoon. I love you in the evening and with the full moon.

Skinamarinkidinkidink, Skinamarinkidoo. I love you!

Your favorite song

I can hardly turn my back for a moment any more. You are into everything! Today you played beside me while I stretched out my back on the floor. I noticed that you had pulled up to reach into your basket of toys. Seemed harmless enough. I looked away for a minute and when I looked back, you'd crawled up onto your swivel chair and were balancing on that with your two little legs while holding the basket with one hand and reaching deep into the basket with your other. You little problem solver!! This is the first instance where I've notice more complex problem solving such as this. There was a toy that you wanted and reaching in while standing at the side of the basket just wasn't going to cut it. So you figured out another way.

I love watching you learn!