If you could see me right now, you would probably guess that I must have at least 5 kids. I look exhausted. My hair is greasy with grey streaks (haven't seemed to get time to update my color) and unbrushed. I'm wearing my husbands painting shirt (first thing that I saw on the chair next to my bed this morning- seemed clean), with jeans and pink slippers. No make-up of course. After vowing to decrease my caffeine intake, I started the day with a cup of decaff coffee. Currently, I'm on my 3rd cup of regular coffee.... that resolution sure didn't last long. Today is one of those days where I just want to yell, "Time out! I need a break!" However, I don't have 5 unruly children running around. I have one intensely curious little man, constantly on the move and into everything. Well, not everything. He seems bored by his old toys and more interested in anything that he's NOT supposed to have. So I feel like I've spent most of my day thwarting his ideas. Poor little guy.
"No you can't eat the Christmas ornament, no you can't pull the jars out of the fridge, no you can't play with the knifes in the dishwasher, no you can't have the sandwich mommy is trying to put in her mouth, no you can't chew on the lamp cord."
For the record, it's not like I leave the dishwasher or fridge open, it's just that inevitably I need something out of there and when I do open either, he's right on my tail..... boom boom boom boom....I hear him crawl up behind me. And boy does he let me know that he doesn't appreciate when I try and redirect him.
The frustration I feel today isn't towards my little man. I feel frustrated with myself when I feel my patience waining. I feel so disappointed in myself when I'm less than the mother I envision for him. I'm mad at myself for not being able to stay one step ahead of him and create an always safe environment for him to explore freely. A side note: we're currently remodeling our home and that creates even more obstacles and hazards for a newly exploring crawler. While I should be thankful for even having a home, today I feel just frustrated that it's in the middle of a remodel and thus it's near impossible to put little c down to safely explore.
Motherhood is hard work. The voice is the back of my head is saying, "Nonsense, you only have one child! How can you complain?" But it's the truth. We all have our own challenges and insecurities as mothers. We all also have an idealized image of the mother we want to be for our children. I know that I can't live up the image of the mother that I wish for my son to have. I'm not perfect. But I hope and pray that I can be good enough for what he needs me to be.
-Sigh-
I think God created nap time to allow parents to recharge their batteries somewhat. The little man has been asleep for over 30 minutes now. I've just about finished my 3rd cup of coffee, had some time to myself and now keep checking the monitor to see when he'll be up again.... I already miss him.
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