Sad

On Tuesday I was pregnant. Today is Friday and I'm not. In a way it seems silly to grieve something that in medical terms was simply a cluster of cells, a 'chemical pregnancy'. But when I'd read the stick(s) which confirmed a pregnancy that I'd already known about intuitively , I felt like I'd won the lottery.  I ran out and bought our son a T-shirt that said, 'Big Brother' and together we greeted my husband as he came home from work. We hugged, we cried, we were overjoyed. 

We made plans. "We'll have to get another crib". "We might need a bigger car."

We imagined.

I pictured this new baby growing inside me. I pictured my belly growing bigger as the winter months progressed, and I pictured bringing the baby home right around the 4th of July. How perfect I thought. Little c will be big brother, only 15 months apart from his sibling. They will never be alone. It's so important to us that c has siblings. My own brothers are the greatest gifts my parents ever gave me and are still my best friends. 

I called my midwife and we agreed to meet at the end of November for our first ultrasound. 

The next day, I started cramping and had a terrible headache. I knew what this meant because it'd happened before almost two years ago. I laid in bed for hours napping and cuddling with our son, thinking that maybe if I didn't move, then it wouldn't happen. 

But it did. 

Yes, I know I already have a son, and how blessed I am for that. He is our world. Yes, I know that we'll try again. Yes, I know that this happens all the time. But I am sad. I grieve for the potential that those cells held within me.