Friday, October 9, 2009

Dear little man

Dear little man,

The night your arrived was cold and perfect. You arrived exactly a week after your due date and the waiting was hard! We wanted to meet you so badly. Around 2 p.m I got up from a nap with some this it?? Daddy came home from work early and true to form began meticulously recording the "cramping". He said, "Jess you're in labor". I said, "noooooooo," because I didn't want to get my hopes up. But when he turned over his paper to reveal his calculations I knew it was true. The contractions were exactly 60 seconds in duration and 4 minutes apart. This would be the night that we would finally meet you. I labored at home for a while, ate Matzo ball soup, hung out in the shower, and finally told daddy, "it's time to go".... "NOW". I didn't even put on a coat. 

I joked with people that I'd probably have an epidural immediately when I got to the hospital. I think that I said that because I didn't believe I was strong enough to go without. After all, I freak out and have to lay down even when getting blood drawn. However, the truth is that inside I knew exactly how I wanted to bring you into the world. I knew that as crazy as it sounds, I wanted to feel everything- to experience giving birth without medicating it. Above all, I wanted you to arrive in the most peaceful, calm embracing environment possible. Daddy and I decided that a water birth would be perfect. We switched from a doctor to a midwife for this reason. And let me tell you, I could not get into that birthing tub fast enough when the custodian wheeled it in...

I sat in the tub, Daddy sat beside the tub. He held my hand when I needed, he let go when I didn't want to be touched. He got me ginger ale when I was thirsty, he held my hair back and kept re-pony tailing it when I asked. He was quiet when I wanted silence. He encouraged me with his words. He encouraged me with his eyes. Later, Daddy would tell me that he felt like he didn't do much. He's so silly sometimes. From my perspective he was perfect on that night. It deepened my love for him. I remember feeling that although the sensations were intense (understatement of the year), very blessed that my dream for how you would come into the world, was actually happening. The water was warm, the room was quiet and dark, the energy was peaceful. 

Then your heart rate dropped and they made me get out of the tub.

The contractions got so intense.

Suddenly the room was filled with people- doctors, nurses, a NICU team. I saw Dr. Moses (love his name!!) and remembered that he said that he'd only be there in case of emergency.

I wasn't scared but I could tell that Daddy was.

Finally, they rushed me down a hall to an operating room and I assumed that you'd arrive through my belly.

However, Dr. Moses said, "trust me", gave me an epidural, and delivered you with forceps. 

I remember them running you out of the room and I asked,"Do I have a little boy or girl?"

There hadn't been time to check. They needed to make sure that you were okay. 

You were. You were perfect and healthy.

Sara the midwife came in and said, "You have a son". 

Daddy went out to meet you but I had to wait.

Finally, Sara carried you to me, all wrapped up and adorable. I could hardly believe that you were ours. 

You were and are, perfect. 

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