Heavy hearts

This past weekend was so ordinary and yet sooo not. Our hearts were heavy and like every parent in America, Chris and I have held our boys a little tighter since Friday's news. I smelled them and kissed them and didn't mind reading, "just one more book" or playing just "one more game". At one point Friday I turned on 'Curious George' and within a few minutes the boys were all cuddled around me on the couch. Feeling them all gather around me and pile up on my lap like little bear cubs is one of my most favorite things in the world. They climb and bump and wiggle into place and we all become one big lump on the couch, ready to watch a show or read a book. On Friday as we all sat there, Everett kept turning and saying, "kiss", and I  kept thinking about how I wish I could protect them forever.

Over the weekend Chris got up early with the boys, worked on the basement, and took Colin ice skating. I made our meals, played with the boys, and grocery shopped for the week. We broke up fights over toys, had one good night of sleep and another in which the trips kept us up. We bought a lamp and read about a hundred books (no joke- the trips are WAY into reading right now, especially Everett. Although we don't have a hundred books.... there's a lot of repetition.... I digress). Chris and I rented a movie and ate bags (yes plural) of popcorn on the couch. We went to church. It was all so ordinary and yet we felt so blessed to be able to have that sort of weekend with our boys. Our minds were never far from the tragedy though. Our church always has a prayer for children before they are dismissed for Sunday school and as I placed my hand on Colin's leg and closed my eyes in prayer, I felt tears running down my cheeks. When I opened my eyes, I saw almost every mother in room wiping their own eyes. The tragedy in Connecticut reminds us that we are all vulnerable and we are all connected.

Colin was so excited going to bed tonight because tomorrow is a preschool day. I felt my heart tighten a bit as he talked. I realize that for him, school has become a place where he feels completely safe, loved and known.

School should feel be that way for all children.

I hope that somehow out of this, changes are made. Both in terms of gun safety and mental healthcare. The issues are complex and people have strong opinions. Still I hope, that somehow meaningful change can happen.