Ugh

Today was such a bad day. Colin has been giving me a run for my money. He wants to do construction on the house all day long, just like daddy does when he comes home from work. However, not all power tools are safe for toddlers! And hammering the walls leave marks. He just seems to be pushing back against any and all limits that I set and as a result there have been many tantrums lately. My head knows this is all a normal part of development, but my heart is tired and my patience is waining.

Today tantrums converged with worry about the babies. I wonder, "how will we afford everything that we need to get"? "Will the construction on our home get finished before the babies come"? And the most worrisome question, "Can my body actually carry these babies for the length of time they need". I'm 5'8'', not petite..... but already my body is starting to hurt. My back hurts, my tailbone hurts, and I feel my stomach stretching and pulling. If I stand too long, my body cries out for me to sit. These aches and pains scare me- because I'm only 15 weeks. I pray everyday that my body can go the distance for these little ones.

As my body began to hurt today, as the number of tantrums began to add up, as the worries about everything sank in deeper and deeper, my impatience grew. I was soooooo not the mother I want to be for colin and for these babies today. I was so overwhelmed and frustrated parenting one tantruming toddler and all I could think was, "how will I ever manage to parent four small children in the way that they deserve if I'm struggling so hard with one? I wonder how other moms manage frustration during these times. Most days run smoothly but today.... it was just bad through and through. C never even ended up napping which is usually that time when I can take a deep breath and regroup on challenging days.

I'm praying every day for the strength and the patience to parent four small children. My desire to be the best I can for them is so pure. I'm not sure I have it in me but I hope to God that I do. I know that I will try my best over and over again.

I look at colin sleeping now beside me as I type this and he just looks so little and innocent.

Tomorrows a new day.