Imperfect beauty

view from the hospital window

There are days in your life that really stand out. Beautiful days that you hold onto tight and look back on during the more difficult times. 

Graduations, nights out with friends, weddings, births, special birthdays, days spent at the beach watching your babies play in the sun...

Then there are the days that seem anything but beautiful. The ones which on paper you'd never think would be a day to remember, much less hold onto tight to, think back on with a smile and a longing to re-live. But somehow they become just that.

Today was one of those days for me.

I spent the entire day sitting in the hospital next to my Dad, who is recovering from pneumonia... most likely brought on due to his lack of an effective immune system... due to his last bone marrow transplant... due to his cancer. 

Outside his window big, fat beautiful snowflakes fell to the ground.

I kept thinking about how just about a year ago, I was the one in the hospital and he was the the one keeping me company. Life can change on a dime, that's for sure. 

My Dad has had a tough recovery since his transplant in November. Very tough. Thanks pneumonia. 

But he's slowly coming back. He's got the right drugs now and today it seemed that he was literally getting stronger, brighter, and more alive with each passing hour. 

We talked sometimes, said nothing at other times, napped and watched the Republican debate, analyzing each one of the candidates (discussing politics is one of our most favorite things to do!)

He is a great listener. And wise. 

I had some questions that have been swimming around in my head for a while now.

Like, 

"Do you think there's something you are supposed to learn from all this or do you think it's just random that you got this cancer?"

"Do you really believe that there's a reason for all this or is life just a happenstance crap shoot after all?" 

I know, both are essentially the same question.

You see, it always comes back to this....

"Why?"

and more importantly "Why YOU?"

I'm sure this is true of many people who have gone through serious illness or other life challenges but I can only speak of my experience, having a loved one with cancer.

They know things. Secrets.

And if you're willing to ask the questions and willing to really listen, they'll tell you what they've learned.

My dad has cancer. That's not going to ever change.

 He's pretty darn sick right now and when he recovers from this pneumonia, he can look forward to re-starting a chemo regimen that will last for years. 

Yup, on paper this day could be categorized as a real downer, and the larger reality could be also be seen as a bit of a downer. 

But it doesn't feel like that right now. 

Not at all. 

Driving home, the only thing I can think about is how grateful I am for this day with my dad. How blessed we are as a family to have each other and these times together.

Today will be remembered as one of my most favorite days. A day that when I look back on it, I will smile and be grateful for it's imperfect beauty.

Brotherly love

The babies get up much earlier than Colin so my days usually start off with the babies and I hanging out downstairs together. I sip my coffee, watch Good Morning America and slowly become more engaging as the coffee does it's job.

Then around 8:00, Colin makes his way downstairs. 

On this morning, he marched in, took one look at Carter who was holding a drill (technically belonging to Colin I suppose), and before I could even say good morning, he grabbed it out of his hand and pushed  him hard to the ground.

Carter was NOT happy.

Neither was I.

Fast forward not three hours and I took Colin to his kindermusic class. For the first time ever, I brought one of the babies and it happened to be Carter because he was dressed and ready. 

Well, Colin was just the most attentive big brother you have ever seen. He INSISTED that Carter sit in his lap the whole time, was showing him how to do all the dances and songs, and would even lean over to check in on him and whisper in his ear,

"You okay Carter?" 

Demonstrating how to make rain with your fingers, for Carter

Oh my gosh, it was the cutest thing ever! But I also had to laugh because like I said, not three hours earlier, he was being anything but loving toward him.

Ahhh, the ebb and flow of brotherhood.....

Love me some Aden + Anais Burpy Bibs!

*** From time to time I'll share what products we like, love or can't live without, in case it's helpful to anyone else, especially those families expecting multiples. 

LOVE these aden + anais burp clothes/ bibs! For that very reason. They serve double duty. They are a good size burp cloth and then transition into a lovely bib, one that really covers the whole shirt and shoulders, which is important because my guys are MESSY! Plus they are sooooo soft, just like the aden + anais blankets. With triplets we are all about items that serve double/ triple duty and these fit the bill. We've used them since the day the babies were brought home and simply love them. No matter how much I wash them, they retain that super soft feel. Plus they are reversible with a super cute print.
You can find them here.

I'm so glad I got introduced to these this time around and I hope that someone else gets to enjoy them or give them as a great gift too!

Oh boy...

My sweet little boy, last summer at the lake

So Colin's sitting and drinking a juice box and the straw gets stuck down inside. Has this happened to you? It's kind of annoying.

He looks. Tries to pull it out and says, "Sh#t." 

"WHAT?!" 

 I can hardly believe my ears. My sweet little boy! Where has he heard this garbage talk?!

Okay so maybe I have occasionally uttered those words but it's certainly not regular verbiage in our home and especially around our children. But he must of heard it.... maybe last week when my spinach smoothie dropped on the floor and the glass shattered splashing green stuff and glass particles all over the kitchen while overtired and hungry babies fussed in the background... Yeah, I remember that being an "Oh ___" moment.

So after I shockingly ask him, "What did you say?!"

He casually repeats himself, only this time louder and with umph!

And so right there in the middle of making pizza dough and unpacking groceries, Chris and I end up having a conversation with our almost three year old about how some words are not nice to say, like the one you just said and even if you hear somebody say it, it's still not something you should say.....

I feel like we're walking a fine line, not wanting to give the word power and yet emphasizing that you shouldn't be saying it (I'm just imagining the play dates we have planned for this week!)

We search his face to see if it's sinking in or if this new word might stick. 

"Oh. Okay"

We shall see how this plays out.... 

9 month check-up

The boys had their 9 month check-up on Friday. 

Whenever I have to get all the kids out of the house to be somewhere at a certain time, it really magnifies the fact that I'm not a plan ahead kind of girl. In turn, I'm often running late.

Our appointment was at 9:30 a.m. and at 8:30 I was just getting the boys into the bath. I was still in my p.j.s and Colin was still asleep. The diaper bag was not at all packed and it was snowing outside.

 Worse, it didn't occur to me that we were running late.

So enough it did occur to me that we needed to get a move on it! And then I was a frantic mess.

What a zoo it was getting out of the house. I was a hurricane of disorganization, throwing diapers and pacifiers in a bag, filling to-go bottles, dressing babies, stuffing them in snowsuits, dressing Colin while handing him a granola bar, running babies out to the car etc etc.... It was 10 degrees outside and I was literally sweating trying to get us all out of the house. 

But we got there. 

The boys check-up went well. They are doing great and once again I feel SO thankful for their healthy development. 

The first thing our doctor asked was, "So how are things going?!"


I had to laugh.

"Well doc.... if you had seen us trying to get out of the house this morning you'd think we're a complete disaster, but really overall, I think we're doing great."

He just laughed, but it's the truth. Sometimes it seems like we're running around like fools putting out one fire after the other. Sometimes my lack of organization and planning gets the best of me.... but overall, we are doing great. 

And oh so unbelievably blessed.

Finley and Everett waiting with Amelie

Carter getting weighed while Colin supervises

Mampalahelo, or something like that

Oh Colin.... I cherish when the very end of the day brings time for us to be together in a quiet moment.

Tonight, we rocked in the rocking chair under a blanket, watched a little t.v. and I tried to explain the premise of American Idol (which I'd decided that I wasn't going to watch anymore but somehow tonight I was sucked in yet again... happens every year). I tried to teach you how to say the Malagasy word, "Mampalahelo" just because I thought it was sound so cute coming from you.

It did.

It sounded something like, "Manahelopala".

Close enough.

Nine years after returning from life in Madagascar, Mampalahelo is still said in our house all the time. It's just so fun to say! The thing is that it actually means "sadness" but it's said in reaction to all kinds of sadness. You could say it when something really sad happens but could also say it when, for example, you realize you're fresh out of cookies. Or, when you have to go to bed but don't want to, like tonight.

Mampalahelo!

Before finally taking you up to bed, we rocked and listened to Coldplay's "Till Kingdom Come", which I used to listen to a lot when I was pregnant with you. The song is on my phone and you love to play it and hear the story of how you lived in my belly when you were "teeny tiny" and listened to this song. It still seems to calm you.

Those nights spent listening to Coldplay while you grew in my belly both seem a lifetime ago and just yesterday.

Pregnant with Colin. By the way, did I really ever think I was "so big" during that pregnancy?! 

8 months, what's working?

Once again I find a blog post that I wrote, and I guess in the mist of the holiday madness, forgot to post! The boys are now 9+ months, and it was interesting for me to read through this (which I wrote when they turned 8 months) because it seems so much has changed just since then.

"I want YOU!"... Carter on the left, Everett on the right.... Finn crawling away...

There you are cutie... Finn

I told myself that for the first year, I'd track what's working (or not) each month. But these are getting harder to write...

Not because we're not actively trying to manage this broad of boys. We are constantly trying things, adapting, changing, brainstorming, always trying to figure out what helps our family system run more smoothly. These "what's working" posts are getting harder to write only because nothing we are doing seems unusual or stands out anymore. Managing day to day with our boys is our normal now.

At first, everything was SO new and different and way out of our comfort zone. Just having triplets plus one seemed soooo out of the realm of "normal". And there were so many things we were consciously doing and seeking out and that others were actively doing for us on a regular basis to help us adjust. The things that were very helpful during that time period really stood out.

But the thing is, having triplets plus one now doesn't seem unusual to us. Now, it's just our family and our life and I can't imagine what it would be like not to have four under three years. And actually, the babies are almost never referred to as "the triplets", although occasionally they're lovingly referred to as "the trips". But day in and day out they are just Carter, Finley, Everett and Colin. Our four boys- who happen to all be super close in age- haha! So it's harder to be aware of things that we are doing, simply because it doesn't seem like we are 'doing' anymore, rather, just living day to day with our family. I'm not even sure if that makes sense......

In any case,  I'll try and go through some of what's been going on around here and how we're trying to manage it all at 8 months in case it's helpful to someone else!

Sleep- The boys go to bed at around 6 p.m. This is something that has really stuck and seems helpful- for the babies who seems tired by then, to us who appreciate having a moment to eat dinner and breath, and for colin who gets some time to play with mom and dad without his ever curious brothers peering at his toys through the baby gate.

We still feed them a bottle around 10 p.m. just before we go to bed. I'm told that we could drop this bottle, that it would take the babies a few nights to adjust (aka probably waking up screaming), but for now, keeping the feeding is working for us, and I just don't have the energy to ween them off it yet.

On a good night, all the babies will sleep through until about 6 a.m. One of the hardest aspects of parenting triplets for me, continues to be that it seems someone is always having trouble sleeping (teething, tummy ache, eczema itching, wet diaper). Even if one baby is up late, or up during the night and therefore would sleep later, someone else has had a great night sleep and is up early, around 5:30.

We are tired. A lot of the time.

They seem to be in between taking two and three naps still. I try and keep in mind that they are 6 weeks adjusted in age. I think they are right on the cusp of switching to two naps. Carter is already more of a two nap guy while Everett tends to take very short naps and so three fits him best still. Finn could go either way depending on the day. A couple months ago it made more sense for us to keep them on the same schedule. But these days, we allow each baby to nap when it makes sense for them, within reason.

They tend to go down for the first nap at the same time but Carter will almost always sleep longer, Everett will almost always be up first and again Finn varies. At this time what feels right to us is to respect those individual differences and work around them.

I took this today... usually this white board is chalk full of the schedule, to dos, to buys etc. This was one of the things we added after the babies were about a month because we wanted a quick and easy way to communicate with each other and those helping us, not just with a notebook but something we'd see right when we set foot in the babies area. 

We keep a white board in the basement which is where we spend a lot of our time during the day and just keep track of who goes down for a nap when, who eats at what time and when each baby wakes up. This way we can hopefully notice patterns and don't have to keep track of everything in our heads! No matter what though, they all go to bed by 6 p.m. and naturally get up at 6 a.m. (if earlier, I try my very best to get them back to sleep or just wait).

We also keep a swing in the hall outside their bedroom. If someone is having trouble sleeping or gets up too early, we'll often stick them in the swing and this seems to really help. Is there one baby that seems to  need this swing more than the others? Yup! But they all take advantage of it as needed. The other morning, it was still dark out and I was half asleep when I went to put whoever was up too early in the swing... only to realize as I laid them down, that someone else was already in there! (placed there by Chris earlier in the night!) Thank God that baby didn't wake up when I laid his brother on top of him momentarily.

Feeding- I'm not breastfeeding at all anymore. I stopped around 6 months but didn't document it I don't think. I'm fine with it.... for the most part. The one thing that really bothers me is that I can't remember the last time I nursed each on of them. Nursing just gradually seemed to decrease until one day I realized I wasn't hardly nursing them anymore. My milk dried up very quickly and then it was over. I wish I could remember the last time.... I'm sentimental like that. I have to keep remembering that I did the best I could. But honestly, it's something I wish had played out differently. I'm not sure how it could have but I wish I could still nurse them.

We prop them to take their bottles by still using the bouncy chairs and a blanket. It's the only time they use the bouncy chairs as they obviously can now sit and/ or crawl around. I recently tried to introduce sippy cups.... they're not so interested yet! For now I'm not pushing it but I look forward to the day they can hold their own cups to drink. They LOVE eating solid foods! I feed them after their first nap and again during "the witching hour", around 4:30 p.m. They are often starting to get tired/ cranky and I'm alone with all of them just waiting for the hour to pass so Chris will get home from work! Food is a nice distraction and Colin will often have a snack during this time too.

Other things that continue to make a difference:

• Making a conscious choice everyday to focus on the positive and remember what a sacred blessing it is to get to parent each of these boys rather than focusing on how hard it can be. When they're all crying, need me and I'm alone with them, it can definitely feel VERY overwhelming. But I know that every day is an opportunity to have a better attitude, make a needed shift, or just do better.

• Finding opportunities for one on one time with each of the kids. This continues to be especially important for Colin. The other day Colin and I took the train downtown to meet Chris for lunch. Being able to focus on him without the distraction of things to get done around the house or with the babies was really nice- for all of us.

• Hot Yoga! Ohhhh, I am LOVING getting back to yoga, slowly but surely. This pregnancy took such a toll on my body and for me it's taken until now to even feel up to exercising. But yoga has been great! I know it is healing my body and I can feel myself getting stronger every time I go. Not to mention it helps clear my mind too!

Lastly I'll just say that the hardest part of "8 months" for me is how mobile they are getting. Make no mistake IT IS FANTASTIC that they are so curious and on the move.... but they are into everything and that can feel hard to manage. Both from a safety perspective and also because they are always trying to get into Colin's stuff. This has been very hard for Colin. We use a huge baby gate to divide the room but they are clever! Sometimes they manage to get around the gate. OR- they will stand at the gate shaking it, staring at his toys and yelling. I don't blame Colin for being overwhelmed by this! I certainly am!

Well- turns out I had more to say about this month than I thought! HA! I hope and pray it's helpful to someone else expecting triplets or multiples. 

Flying solo

So.... Chris was away on a business trip this week. It was the first time since the babies were born that he's travelled and I was a little nervous to have the boys by myself! Our amazing helper Amelie still came during part of the day. Thank God! But late afternoon, dinner, bedtime, nighttime and mornings were all mine.

All mine.

The first night was rough. I was up a lot with the boys (one teething, one with a stuffy nose, one whose diaper leaked through his pjs, and one who kept saying, "I can't sleep mommy"). I also think I was adjusting to not having Chris here and in turn just didn't sleep as well. When Chris and I were first married he traveled each week and to a certain extent I got used to it. But now, I'm used to having him home, next to me each night and that consistency gives me peace.

Over the past year, together we've fallen into a new groove parenting these boys. Sure, we occasionally bicker over who's done what lately because really, there is SO much to do and sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking somehow you are the one doing the most. Well, it only takes having to truly do it all yourself for a few days to realize what the other person really does. And our Chris, holy cow does he do a lot.

My husband is amazing in how he embraces this parenting thing full gusto and in how he supports me. AMAZING. I've always known and appreciated this about him.

But he's also the one to empty all the trash cans and dirty diapers at the end of the night. Each night, as I would tiptoe into the alley scanning for rats and terrified I'd run into one, I felt extra appreciative that he tackles this chore without even asking me to- ever. He cleans the kitchen each night (which in the past I've noticed, but this week I really noticed because man, after I've already cleaned it a few times during the day and made dinner, I do not feel like doing it again). Each night, he gets the babies bottles ready for for the 10 pm feeding and usually gets a load of laundry going whenever he goes up and/ or down the stairs. We always do the 10 pm feeding together. It's not something we ever talk about or plan, we just always seem to tackle it as a team. This week, gathering up the bottles and diapers and doing the night feeding alone felt like way more work, and much lonelier.

I think, and maybe especially when juggling a gaggle of kids, it can be easy to fall into a habit of taking for granted all that your partner does. I know I take Chris for granted sometimes.

Chris and I often joke about how there is no break parenting triplets plus one. But that's not really true. Because all I have to say to him, or vice versa is "I need a break" and we instantly know it's imperative to figure out how to make that happen for the other person. Sometimes it can only be for a few minutes or a quick errand but it's needed and can make all the difference.

We're a good team he and I, and I've missed him so.

Today he's coming back and I can't wait to meet him at the door with our boys, kiss him and hug him and welcome him home. And tell him how much I appreciate him.

And then I'll probably say something like, "I need a break!" because I after almost 4 days with 4 kiddos, I do!!!

We SO needed this!

It's been a slightly more challenging week than normal (more on why in tomorrow's post). But the highlight of our week so far was today, when Amelie and I took the boys to the park. It has been FOREVER since we've all gotten out of the house, because well, it's winter here in Chicago, and that's not always conducive to getting four little ones out the door to play in the city! But today felt more like a spring day. Getting some fresh air, some vitamin D and watching the boys experience the park was just such so much fun. 

Finley, Everett, Carter, Colin

fyi, amelie is just out of frame but near the boys... I did not just push all my kids and then leave them alone to try and get a picture!

I had a surreal moment while pushing the boys on the swings..... this happens from time to time.

I looked at them all- taking up most of the swings and thought, "Those are all my sons... huh....I have four sons... I have four sons...." 

When will this reality fully kick in??? Perhaps it hits me in this way from time to time simply because three of them arrived all at once. We went from one to four kids, in what felt like a blink. Last year at this time, they were still in my belly and so day to day life, including frequent trips to the park involved me and my one child (and my gigantic belly of course). Such a different experience.

I was SO incredibly thankful for our time together at the park today. I can't tell you how much we needed to get out of the house and deviate from our typical winter routine. The boys had SO MUCH FUN. All of them. I could see it in their faces and hear it in their laughs.

Just after these pictures were taken, Colin yelled to me from his swing, "Mommy, me sooo happy." 

Me too little man.

Lately...

Lately I've been pretty convinced that there's not much funnier/ cuter than a two and a half year old figuring out the ways of the world.

Colin, you crack me up on a daily basis (and turn my hair slightly grayer, if that's even possible).

Like when you nonchalantly work a new word or phrase into conversations.

Like the other day, when I asked if you wanted help carrying your toys upstairs and you said, "Sure, sure." 

It's such a normal thing to say, but I'd never heard you say that before and it sounded so grown up coming from my little man. 

Or the other night when Chris and I were chatting about our day and you shook your head and said, "You guys are so funny"

And your current most favorite response, "Oh. I did not know that."

Lately you are into reading, to us. You like to hold the books and pretend to tell fantastical stories. 

Tonight, you were playing in the basement while I finished making dinner. We have a vent that we like to talk to each other through and tonight when I crouched down and asked, "What are you doing down there?" You replied,

"I'm making a BIG mess."

And boy was that the truth. There was a large bottle of Powerade spilled all over the couch. Everything was soaked. 

"We gotta clean this up" I said, trying not to sound too frustrated.

"Me help too Mommy!"

And you ran to get... of course....

Your leaf blower, which apparently, magically turns into a wet vac too.

I did not know that.

Thanks little man, for making us laugh every single day and keeping us on our toes.

What I got for Christmas!

errrrrr, I mean, what Colin got for Christmas.

Last night we finally had a little bit of time and energy to put together Colin's new kitchen... and by "we" I mean Chris of course.

Chris, in case you've missed this fact about him from previous posts, is super handy. He's taken our 120 year old Chicago bungalow and made it ours. He built us a basement, moved the laundry to the second floor, added our boys bedroom, gutted and re-built our bathroom, laid hardwood floor, custom built our closets .... I could go on and on. There's no project that intimidates him,

except apparently this kitchen. He avoided putting this together like the plague. 

"There's so many pieces!" he kept saying as I laughed and reminded him that he basically re-built our whole house. 

A few beers and an hour and a half later, it was complete.

I just about freaked out, possibly jumping up and down, clapping my hands like a seal and squealing,

"OMG I LOVE IT!!!!!"

I also may or may not have started playing with it.... while the kids were in bed.

All day today I felt like I was stalking Colin, following him around asking, "Wanna play kitchen? Wanna play kitchen?"

He bit a few times and I loved every minute of it.

Doesn't he look sooo into it?

Then we went back to the usual: sawing, hammering, leaf blowing and playing trains and cars.

Kitchen found here

Happy New Year!

Pizza delivery

Movie

My husband and I sharing a blanket and a bowl of ice cream

In bed by 11:30

Sound exciting?? 

It was perfect

On New Years day the babies got up at 6 a.m. thanks to Finn who has an internal alarm clock like no one I've ever known!

When I woke up, I realized that Colin was smack in between Chris and I. Somehow he'd made his way from his bed, down the hall and climbed into our bed and neither of us had even realized it. This was a first. New year, new trick for him I guess.

It was my turn to get up with the babies so I brought them downstairs and told each of them, "Happy New Year", but all they wanted were bottles. 

Fair enough. All I wanted was coffee.

They laid around me and drank their bottles (which they can hold all by themselves now- hallelujah! If you have multiples you know what a helpful milestone this is). I drank my coffee.

I felt such happiness, such deep thankfulness.

All those New Years I spent staying out super late and then sleeping in super late, likely nursing a hangover?

pic taken one early morning last week at my parents house

This is way better.

Our big accomplishment on New Years day was bathing all the boys. It was quite a sight. For some reason we choose to do this in the smallest bathroom we have and it snowballed into quite a circus. There seemed to be naked babies everywhere, squirming as we tried to dress them. Dressing 9 month olds.... not so easy. All they want to do is move! Colin sat with a towel wrapped tightly around him yelling, "I'm too cold!"

I'm so excited and optimistic about the coming year. 2011 was a big year for us and I'm still sort of processing it all. 

I had three babies.

Sometimes at night when I sneak into the kids room before I go to bed, I look at them, all sleeping differently, in their own preferred, predictable positions and it still doesn't seem real,

I had three babies last year


Then I look at my sweet boy sleeping in his big boy bed next to the cribs and think, I have four sons....  What a huge responsibility. 

Over this past year so many people have stepped up to help us, pray for us, and encourage us in ways that will continue to inspire me to try and be better, for the rest of my life.

I'm not much of a resolutions person, but patience and organization always seem to be at the top of my list of what I'm striving to improve upon these days.

Most of all I enter 2012 with such deep gratitude. Life with triplets plus one brings really good days and really hard days, but even on the hard days I know how lucky we are and I never loose sight of that.... never.

If there's one big lesson that I'll carry with me from this past year it's that how you approach each day with your kids is a choice. The moment our feet hit the floor running, we can decide what our attitude will be and this can make all the difference. In our home, every single day seems to involve some level of chaos and stress just because of what goes into providing and caring for triplets plus one. Chris and I find that if we choose to approach the day with a sense of humor, thankfulness and joy, well then everything just feels easier and more manageable. We stumble...... often. But this is always what we come back to. We choose.