Dear boys,

We've made it 34 weeks! You haven't even stepped into this world and already you're showing people never to count you out.

This morning, I was reflecting back on that night, which at the time felt like my worst nightmare for this pregnancy, unfolding. Your Dad and I prepared ourselves to meet you, look at you and get to know you through the barrier of NICU isolettes. All the doctors told us that would be the likely outcome.

But God had other plans. 

As hopeful as we tried to be, in my heart I never imagined that together we could hold on for over five more weeks, and counting..... 

Your strength and tenacity inspires me already and I can only imagine what you'll be like in this world. There will be no stopping you. 

And I know you have much to teach me, as you've already taught me so much.

 That I can push my body further than I thought, that I endure more that I thought, to have patience (which has never been my strong suit!), to have faith and trust the bigger plan- whatever it may be, and to somehow embrace the unknown. 

This whole pregnancy I've felt that I had to meet each of you in this world to know what your names should be and who's who. 

But this morning it suddenly seemed very clear. 

I know who each one of you is now. 

We can't wait to meet you.... whenever you're ready!

I think I can... I think I can...

I haven't been posting regularly this past week because it's hard to know what to say without sounding like I'm just complaining. You would think I have soooo much time on my hands to return calls, e-mails and write. But the truth is, tolerating this new level of uncomfortability has been all consuming.

The weekend started out wonderful. My mom came to visit and helped more than words can express. On Saturday we even went to Target to buy a few things for the babies. Here I am rolling around Target on my scooter:

By the way, returning to Target after being away for so long, felt like a true slice of heaven.

When we got home, my mom let me sit in a reclining chair and direct her on where to put this and that for the babies...... for hours. You can't do that with many people, thats for sure. Only a mothers love can tolerate and maybe even enjoy an afternoon such as this.

We decided that on each floor we'll have a changing table and keep lots of onesies, sleepers, blankets and other supplies at each of these stations. That's the plan at least. So we spent the day filling each "station" with supplies. Here's Chris putting together the crib and one of the changing tables:

Then sunday I woke up at 5 a.m. with contractions which lasted for about 6-7 hours, stopped and started again in the evening. They never got worse but they were impossible to ignore. What was different about this series of contractions was intense back pain that kicked in mid morning. I wasn't sure if it was back labor, which I never experienced with Colin, or if it was just pain from the babies positions. In any case, it was a long day.

Monday was the same experience. Tuesday, I went to see the doctor and explained to her how I was feeling, which is basically like my body is being pulled apart in some sort of midieval torture device. I feel tremendous pressure, intense back and side pain, and rib pain all the time. I even packed a bag for the hospital thinking that once they heard how much pain I was in, surely they'd send me over to have the babies. I just couldn't see how this could continue. Instead, the doctor kindly explained that this is often the point in a triplet pregnancy where discomfort can reach a new level. She said I can take tylenol around the clock, something to help me sleep and if needed, I can take even stronger pain meds. On ultrasound, each of the babies measured around 5 lbs and long. They are simply running out of room and trying to find additional space.

So back home we came.

On one hand, I'm happy that they didn't send me over to the hospital because obviously I know it's best for the babies to keep cooking. I'm also thankful that they're big for their gestational age. I just pray that I can endure for them.

They're somehow not giving up so how can I?

33 weeks!

Trips, you made it another week! I can tell that you're growing too, because this belly I thought could not feel any bigger or heavier, just keeps getting bigger and heavier.

It was so good to be home this week. Every morning I woke up to my husband and son next to me in bed, got to kiss my husband goodbye before he left for work, ate breakfast with Colin on a makeshift table in our bedroom, and didn't have a stream of doctors and nurses coming in to check on me. It was peaceful and relaxing.

Chicago temperatures hit the mid 50's this week and it felt like the first taste of spring. I even saw our crocuses peaking out of the soil in the front garden. On days that I felt good, I walked downstairs and sat out on the front porch watching Colin and my Dad do yard work together. One day it was so nice (and obviously I have nothing else on my the agenda) that I literally sat out there for hours just watching c play, talking with my dad, watching people pass by, and enjoying the sun. When was the last time I slowed down enough to do that?  

Physically, this pregnancy is getting harder and harder. I hadn't a clue how a triplet pregnancy could at times feel so darn heavy and uncomfortable (not to mention the roller coaster of contractions that come and go). But during those moments I try and remind myself that my only "to do" for the day is just to carry these boys one more day. Breaking it down into hours and days makes it seem much more manageable. 

One of my favorite times of the day is just before bed when I take a shower. I get out my awesome shower chair, turn on Nora Jones which I swear the babies also love, and let the hot water just run and run and run. It's just my me and my babies and I think, "We made it through another day". 

32 Weeks!!!

What a difference a day makes! Yesterday we hit that milestone of 32 weeks, which at 29 weeks had seemed so elusive.

 Way to go boys!

Over the past few days the doctors began quietly talking with me about the possibility of going home but didn't bring it up as a serious option until Sunday morning. They said that since I'm 32 weeks, live fairly close to the hospital, stable, and have lots of help at home, that it was my choice whether to stay in the hospital or go home.

For me the decision was a no brainer. As soon as I heard "home" as a possibility, I was pretty much packing my bags. My family was hesitant to see me leave the safety of the hospital, but they know once my heart gets set on something, that there's no talking me out of it.

So by 12:30 on Sunday afternoon, I stepped out into the brisk Chicago air for the first time in three weeks and a short drive later was home.

I know this picture is as cheesy as they come, and truthfully I don't even remember doing this. But it certainly captures how I felt seeing my husband, son and dog standing out front with smiles on their faces.

Colin was initially not as excited as I'd hoped he'd be. Although Chris had prepared him that I was on my way home, he looked confused again, just as he'd been when he first came to visit me at the hospital. I was disappointed in his reaction truthfully. Once we had lunch and settled in, it was time for colin to nap. I also was tired from the move home, so the two of us settled in bed together. He kept staring at me and touching my face with two hands. For a while he didn't say anything and neither did I. Then out of nowhere he gently put his chubby little hands on either side of my face and said, "Home".

My sweet, sweet little boy, adjusting, adapting, and putting the pieces together in his own way, in his own time.

My ever thoughtful mom had homemade lasagna for dinner followed by a little cake and candles to celebrate the boys reaching 32 weeks.

My husband got the boys tiny little onesies to celebrate. For the first time, I let myself hold and look closely at the little outfits and imagined with excitement that they'd soon be filled with babies. Before, I worried that if I did too much imagining about the babies and got too excited to meet them, that maybe my body would stop fighting so hard to keep them in my belly. That may sound crazy, but it's such a mental effort to keep them in every day now and I've made a real effort to just picture them comfy and cozy IN my belly. However, with each passing week, I'm more and more letting myself imagine what they'll be like, smell like and feel like once they're in our arms. How wonderful it will be.

Today was a yucky day. I'm fighting a cold, feeling way overstretched and missing home. Of all days, this was the day one of the nurses decided to stop by and share stories of her brother and sister-in-law who have triplets and "Almost lost their minds the first year". She went on and on about how hard it was, how "The lights were on 24/7 because they just never ever slept", and on and on and on.

I felt trapped in bed by the weight of my belly and couldn't get away, so just kept saying, "It will be an adventure, that's for sure!", trying to end the conversation. She didn't take the hint. She asked if we had hired help lined up to which I said, "No, just family support". Wrong answer if you don't want to loose your mind apparently. Finally she shook her head as if there were no words for how difficult it would be.

Awesome.

I'm sure in some way she meant well and surely had no way of knowing that her words would bring tears as soon as she left, or that she was making an already taxing day worse. But let me tell you, that was not what I needed to hear today! I'm not expecting this journey to be easy and for that reason I've chosen to just take things one day at a time right now. Honestly, right now I'm rarely thinking about when the babies are home. Rather, I'm just trying mentally to keep them in my belly and keep peaceful, optimistic and calm in preparation for their birth. Again, taking it one day at a time.

My husband texted me and asked if he should drive downtown to give me a hug and I said, "YES". So he did. That simple act of kindness somehow made all the difference in the world. As long as I know I have him as my teammate, this will be okay. It just will.

Then he wheeled me down to the waiting room for a change of pace and there we waited for the rest of the crew to arrive bringing dinner.

brothers kicking!

They all reminded me of what a wonderful blessing we're receiving with these babies and although this isn't always easy right now, lots of joy is ahead...... and that it's okay to have bad days when you've been stuck in the hospital for 19 days.... and also that I should've just kicked that loose lipped nurse out of my room (that last part was my brother's suggestion)

We'll be just fine

Thankful today

For family who will drop everything and travel anywhere to take care of each other. Where would we be without them right now?!

For mindless magazines and the girlfriends who deliver them

For hydrocortisone cream which helps treat my oh so itchy, over stretched, cracking belly. You are the reason I'm able to sleep at night again!

For doctors I trust

For chubby little toddler hands working hard- so cute!

For Friday night pizza

For my husbands back massages

And tonight, I'm especially thankful for these little babies, who are all curled up, cozy and asleep against me as I lay on my side,

still in my belly

Nap saga re-visited

Below is something I wrote a while back, before coming to the hospital, but forgot to post. I just recently found it again. 


So since I've been thinking about sharing this blog with others, I ended up going back and reading through some of my old entries. I wondered, "What HAVE I written about?" Because I know there are days where I've felt tired, challenged, and overwhelmed by motherhood and writing about those moments has been equally as therapeutic for me as writing about the good times, and the really great times. 

It was actually fun to re-read old postings about days spent with my son that I'd forgotten about. I also noticed that issues I thought were SUCH a big deal, now looking back, were not. "Nap Wars" as I referred to the time period where colin was suddenly not napping, are a great example of this. Back in late summer/ early fall, my awesome little sleeper, suddenly wasn't napping and I couldn't figure out why. At the time I felt so overwhelmed by it all, wondering if he would EVER sleep again. What I wish I knew then that I know now, is that no phase or issue lasts forever.  I'd love to go back and tell myself relax, this too shall pass. 

Because it did. 

And the interesting part, which I never wrote about, is that what really worked in the end. There was no magic solution that got him to sleep. But what finally shifted things was that I eventually just used the approach that felt right to ME, following my own motherly intuition, rather than focusing on what I felt I SHOULD be doing. 

At the time, what Colin really wanted was to nap in our bed. I kept thinking that he just shouldn't nap in our bed, but I had no good reason. Actually, I laugh thinking back on this now but part of the reason I thought he should just get used to napping in his own bed was because I was newly pregnant and I thought when the baby comes (singular!), we can't have him in our bed. If I'd known then that it wasn't just a baby but rather three babies, I may have gone over the edge!

Chris and I ended up deciding that kids are little for such a short period of time so what's the big deal if he naps in our bed, or even comes into our bed at night?? I realize that not every family would come to this conclusion but the important thing was simply that we can to the right decision for us. Allowing him to co-sleep with us is what felt right in our gut. That was what my intuition had been screaming all along, so why didn't I just listen to me? Ironically, once we allowed little c to sleep with us again whenever he needed to, he quickly just started staying in his own bed. Go figure. 

Still today, he almost always naps in our bed. Since being pregnant with triplets and starting to nap each afternoon myself, I must say that I love napping together. Wouldn't have it any other way. If I don't nap, then he's fine napping by himself, just prefers to be in our bed. At bedtime he goes to bed incredibly easily, in his own bed. During the night, usually we don't hear from him until morning, but occasionally he'll cry and want to come into bed with us. And that's just fine with us.

God gave us intuition for a reason and I think as mothers sometimes we ignore it based on what some "expert" book says, or well meaning advice we get from others. But every kiddo is different and what's right for every family is different. 

I sometimes worry about what we'll do as we also raise triplets. Everything I read seems to indicate that "getting them on a sleep/ feeding schedule and the same sleep/ feeding schedule is critical!" Yikes. That worries me because adhering to strict schedules is not really our style as parents, especially with a baby (although I can certainly imagine why having three babies on the same schedule is helpful!) Then I came across this blog post and I LOVED IT! Reading about a mom of triplets who admitted that adhering to a strict schedule isn't what made sense to her, not what worked for her, put my mind at ease that there are many different ways to approach mommyhood, even if you're raising multiples.

It's Biophysical Tuesday!

Every tuesday, for as long as I'm here, I go down for a biophysical profile to assess how the babies are doing. Last week they didn't check growth but today they did and the news was good!

Baby A is 4 lbs 4 oz

Baby B is 4 lbs 7 oz

Baby C is 3 lbs 15 oz

All continue to measure above average in weight and length which is great news given that there's a very good chance they will arrive much earlier than we hoped. It just makes me feel so much better knowing that they are pretty good size! 

I was only able to get a picture of Baby B which doesn't feel right to post without his brothers. Baby A continues to move lower and lower so a pic of him is impossible and C is so crammed up against my left side (poor guy) that a picture of him was also impossible. I'd been wondering why my left rib cage hurt so much this week and now I know!

Baby B might be my little trouble maker. He has no problem pushing his brothers aside for space- and he's taking up a good section of space! Towards the end of the ultrasound, we saw baby C's little arm gently push B's head over to try and get a little breathing room. I was glad to see him assert himself. :)

A day in the life at the prenatal correctional facility

A few people have asked what I do all day here- so I thought I'd share my basic daily schedule. Get ready, it's pretty exciting!!

I get awaken at 6 a.m. by the nursing staff for monitoring. Monitoring consists of taking my temperature, blood pressure and the ultra fun task of checking the babies heartbeats. They have to first find the heartbeats and then monitor them all simultaneously for a minute. This may not sound challenging but if the babies are really moving a lot it can take forever! I'm not at all a morning person, nor do I have anywhere I have to be, so after the 6 a.m. monitoring I usually try and fall back asleep.

Shift change for the nurses happens at around 7:30 and protocol here is for them come into my room to discuss me and switch the nurses name on the white board. I sort of get why they prefer to talk in the room rather than somewhere else- perhaps it's so that I, the patient can correct them if they get anything wrong. However, usually by the time they come in, I've fallen back asleep so it can be annoying.

Then often a resident pops in just to wake me and ask if I'm having any significant contractions, bleeding or if my water broke. I always want to sarcastically say, "Don't you think I would call you if any of those things were happening?!"

I usually give up trying to sleep around 8:30 and get up and move to my chair to order breakfast. That's my big power move of the day- switching from the bed to the rocking chair. Very exciting!

Colin usually arrives as soon as visiting hours start at 9:00 a.m. and he stays until his nap time, around 12:30. My Dad has been living at our house and caring for Colin since Chris is still working, so he's the one that brings him. It's the highlight of my day as I hear little c running down the hall yelling, "mama!"

Lately my Dad has been basically dropping him off and then hanging out in the lounge area so that Colin and I can have time alone. This morning we had a particularly good time playing together and sitting at the window watching the cars, trucks, ambulances and firetrucks go by.

When Colin goes home for his nap, I wait for monitoring again which happens around 2:00. Usually the high risk doctor along with his trail of eager residents and students comes in around this time too, just to check in on me. When these two things are done, I get to take a nap, often uninterrupted, which is wonderful.

Around dinner time, someone comes up to visit. I've been blessed to have friends bring magazines and goodies, a brother who cooks me homemade meals, and of course, Chris and colin usually come up again and we eat together. Basically whatever family is in town comes up to keep me company around dinner time which I so appreciate!

After dinner, when everyone goes home, I settle in to watch my reality t.v. shows. I'm marking the weeks this way :). Only one more episode of the Bachelor and I'm at 32 weeks! And I'm thankful that if I have to be on bed rest that it's during American Idol season. That takes up tuesday, wednesday AND thursday. Then, before you know it, it's friday which is always pizza night and then it's the weekend and once Sunday hits, what do you know but another week has passed!

At around 10 p.m. the nurse comes in again for monitoring and afterwards I settle in to bed. If Chris is here he always gives me a massage which helps me relax and fall asleep.

It's such an odd experience to be stuck here. I haven't felt the air outside in 14 days. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the Truman Show, because there's really no privacy and the staff is always taking notes on you, discussing you, and watching your behavior. Sometimes I feel like I'm in prenatal jail because I can't leave, and I have to ask permission to do things (recently I got the okay to have a small cup of coffee in the morning- woo hoo!!). Actually the nursing staff is very kind and I've gotten to know and like many of the nurses. Still, it's not home.

Gettin' my coffee! What a treat!

I have contractions every single day which causes some up and down moments because I just never know when the time will come. Just yesterday I started having contractions in the late afternoon and by evening they were about 7 minutes apart, consistently. Although they never got stronger, they were consistently strong enough to cause me to have to take deep breaths and focus. I totally thought the boys were coming but I was not about to tell the staff until I was very sure (I'm determined not to have to go back to labor and delivery until it's absolutely positively time!). Hanging out in labor and delivery if you're not absolutely, positively having a baby (or babies) is tiring and not fun. By 10 p.m. thankfully, the contractions had stopped and then I only had two contractions in the night.

My new normal!

So, I'm 31 weeks and 1 day today...... I just gotta get through the bachelor, three american idols, friday pizza night and one saturday and then I hit the goal of 32 weeks!!!!! I hope we can make it.

Oh, and I should share a few pics that show the view from this room. I have to say, it's pretty incredible as far as hospital rooms go. I have a corner room with a view of the city AND the lake.

Birthday Party on the 9th floor!

In a culture where so often large birthday parties complete with jumpers, activities, catered food and lots of people can seem the norm, this party was pretty much the opposite!

It was a very low key celebration in a small hospital room with simple cupcakes, grandparents, a few aunts and uncles and sweet cousin macy. Prior to the party I was feeling sad that we couldn't celebrate in a bigger way (at least in a different location), or include his little friends, but Colin seemed to have the best time ever! 

 Colin couldn't have cared less that we were in a hospital room. He loved that so many of his favorite people, people who love him most, were all in the same room focused on him. He loved opening his presents, and kept pointing to the simple streamers and decorations hung to make the room feel more party like and less hospital like, as if they were the coolest. 

Kids can teach us so much about enjoying the simple things in life and also about what really matters. And what really matters really has nothing to do with location or material things. 

P.S

31 weeks today!!!!

Two!

Dear little c,

Two years ago tonight I was working hard to bring you into the world. I love thinking back on that night and I can hardly believe that in a few hours you will officially be two years old. One of the things from that night, which stands out most in my mind, was how when they finally laid you on my chest and I got to look at your little face, my very first thought was, "Oh... it's you".

I can't explain it but it never felt like meeting for the first time, more like a reunion of sorts. You were always meant to be in our lives.

At two years old,

You can seriously fix almost anything and somehow know the difference between tools like a crescent wrench and a socket wrench, a Philips head screw driver and flat head screwdriver. In fact, you have over 50 tools that you keep in a real tool box and appropriately use for your household projects. When you decide to get to work, you bring over your tool belt, pick out the necessary tools and head to "work". It cracks us up every time.

You don't like taking time out of your busy schedule to eat. I started out hoping and planning to cook you organic this and that and now I'm just happy if you'll eat ANYTHING. I gave up forcing the food issue and instead bought you the cutest little belt to keep your pants up.

You love to sing.

You love to cuddle.

You love to give surprise attack tickles.

You wake us up in the morning by getting about an inch from our faces and saying "Hi!" in your sweetest but loudest voice. Even if it's way too early to get up, we can't help but laugh.

You are so curious and mechanically inclined..... just like Daddy. Just tonight you got into daddy's work backpack, got out the mouse and plugged it into the computer in the exact right spot because you wanted to use it. What?! Then, you figured out how to plug the i phone into the keyboard as well. Your mommy is not that mechanically inclined, so please do not start re-programing things on me.

You still have my eyes

You love all things sour, like sour patch kids and lemon slices.... just like me

You don't forget and can be very determined to get what you want..... which makes it very hard to distract you when you want something you can't have

You just started saying, "luvvv ooooo"

You are sweet, funny, determined and creative. What a privilege it is to get to be your parents.

Happy Birthday my little man.

Grateful

At the end of what felt like an especially long day, I couldn't have asked for more:

Colin's been so hesitant around me lately and very clingy to Chris which is hard. But somehow tonight, something shifted.

He curled up in my lap on my hospital bed and I gave him a massage for about 45 minutes, while we smiled at each other and said nothing.

I soooo needed this.

Day 8 of hospital bed rest!

Well, I've been here a whole week. The week has gone pretty fast and we're settling in to this "new normal", figuring out the new routines at home, work and here. 

Today I had a pretty good day as far as being stuck in the hospital goes. Colin came to visit this morning, and we had a great time together playing with his cars. Before he arrived though, I went down to ultrasound to get a biophysical profile on the boys. I really enjoyed seeing them! They're cute little guys. The biophysical profile looks at how they're breathing, heart rates, positioning, and fluid levels (amongst other things I'm sure, but that's all I remember). The boys continue to do great and everything looks really good.

 I now have pictures of babies B and C by my bed but baby A couldn't get his full picture taken because he's SO LOW. Well, I didn't need an ultrasound to confirm that. I swear, I feel like he's just waiting for any opportunity to just jump out! Every day I have to have a little talk with him and tell him to stay in a bit longer. Actually, I have a talk with all the boys to hang on a little longer with me.

Baby C seems very comfy. I had to laugh because when the technician scanned C he was laying on his back with his arm hanging up over his head, partially covering his face. It was EXACTLY how I was laying on the ultrasound table and how I often lay in bed. And their antics were on display too. As baby C was getting his profile done, baby B's cute little hand kept coming into the picture and poking him. I guess they're keeping each other entertained in there. 

I'd hoped to get back to the room before little c arrived so that he didn't have to see me approach in a wheelchair but he beat me. As my 'escort' pushed me up to the door, there he was wide eyed and waiting. Without missing a beat Chris said, "Oh there's mommy, she was on a walk. Look, she's in a stroller!" Colin loved that, thought it was hilarious. I've been laughing about it at random times today too- "my mommy stroller". 

The doctor said that although each day the boys can stay in is wonderful, 32 weeks should be our next goal. So that's what we'll be praying for. 

Two more weeks.
Hang on boys!