Peace

Well, I haven't blogged in almost a week because I sort of went into a state of shock over this news. One of the qualities in myself that I just wish I could get over already is that I tend of overanalyze; to look back on decisions made and question them over and over until I make myself crazy. And this week I was doing just that. Did we make the right decision to use science to help us have more children? While I'm thrilled at the prospect of more babies, I wonder, "Was this God's plan for us or did we try and play God by messing with science?" I wonder this because a triplet pregnancy is high risk and the last thing I'd want is for our decisions to put any babies at risk. Nor do I want to scar Colin by adding 3 siblings all at once to his little world. Maybe we should have thought of this prior to getting help? Although having triplets was a remote possibility. I never saw this coming, and neither did the doctors.

I worry how people will judge us. But I also feel that unless you know the pain of miscarriage(s) (and I'm not talking physical), or what it feels like to desire a baby with every cell in your being and repeatedly look at pregnancy tests that always seem to say, "negative", or what it feels like to have medical tests come back that indicate reasons for which getting pregnant might be harder for you, it's not fair to judge a person who chooses to get help through modern medicine. I thought modern medicine would help us have a sibling for colin, maybe two. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be sitting here with three hearts beating in my uterus.

I'm a spiritual person. I believe that God has a plan for each of us. As I worried this past week about many things, including, who will watch my little man if I go on bed rest, or how we'll care for three newborn babies at once while still being parents to our amazing toddler, I kept coming back to this. I thought that if this pregnancy had happened without any help whatsoever, then I would just immediately know that it's God's plan for our family and I could embrace it all and trust it will work out. However, it feels harder to trust without knowing if I have God's blessing.

So I thought and thought and thought about these things all week. And then tonight, after colin fell asleep I had a loooong talk with my mom. As I shared these worries and questions I gained a peace about it.

The peace I have now is that I believe 100 percent that God's hand is in this. He gives us science to utilize, but ultimately HIS plan unfolds. I think it's funny that I always thought I'd have four kids. I always wanted four kids. Today when I was holding colin, I thought how strange and awesome it is that I'm holding one of my babies while three others grow inside me. I've got my four babies. I AM BLESSED BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS. Only God could plan this.

There are three babies in my belly!

Every time I see Chris, I say those words. Earlier, I called him at work just to tell him. I still can't get over it!

So it's day two after receiving the news we're expecting triplets. I woke up this morning with a lot of worries on my mind. Then I talked to my friend Candace, an awesome mommy of twin boys. I told her the news and blabbed on about all the "what ifs" running through my mind. She told me what Chris said, "This is going to work out". And then she added, "Not only is this going to work out, this is going to be wonderful!" She said that although being a parent of multiples brings added work, there are also special joys that only parents of multiples can know. When I got off the phone with her, I felt hopeful and even excited.

I am so attached to these three little growing babies inside me. Yesterday at the ultrasound appointment, the nurse warned me some pregnancies, which start out as triplets, end up as twins. I am PRAYING that each little bean reveals their strong little heartbeats next week.

Things I don't know:

• Anything about carrying and raising triplets
• How we'll afford all these kids (4 kids in college at once?!?!)
• What the heck kind of stroller I get for 3 babies and a toddler (am I really going to be pushing a quad stroller through the city?? (Talk about the circus coming through town)
• How I'll give each baby the individual attention they need
• How I'll breastfeed 3 babies (as my mom said, "too bad you don't have 3 boobs")
• How this mommy who tends to require 8 hours of sleep per night is going to survive on much less. Even colin slept through the night after only 4 weeks!
• What we'll do about our car situation
• What we'll do about our house situation (small + under construction)
• How I'll ever take them all to the park at once (can you say chaos??)
• Just how big IS my belly going to get (I made the mistake of googling 'triplet belly'. Yikes!)

But what I do know for sure:

We have a lot of love to give these babies. We absolutely love being parents. And we'll continue to live and love as a family no matter what comes our way.

***P.S.- The above picture was taken at a friends wedding just a few days after we first found out that we were expecting what we assumed, was our second baby. Given what we know now, I think this picture is hilarious.

Come again?!

Oh boy. Where to begin.

This morning we had our much anticipated first ultrasound. We were excited, anxious, but mostly excited. Anxious because we knew that my HCG counts were a little high- but still within the normal range for a singleton. So- while we wondered about the possibility of twins, we expected to see one baby on the screen. We did not expect this:

The ultrasound technician turned the screen towards me and I saw three dark circles.

From that point forward it was like I was having an out of body experience. I looked to Chris who took my hand. We didn't say anything, just locked eyes.

And then I looked at my sweet, precious little boy sitting on his Daddy's lap, also looking at the screen. I started to cry. Because in that moment all I could wonder was, "How is this going to effect him?!" I knew that being pregnant with triplets could mean bed rest, or worse, early admission to the hospital. I can't fathom being apart from him.

I was still shaking and obsessively staring at the ultrasound picture as we got to the car (which by the way, is a tiny volvo passat). Chris kept telling me that this is going to be okay. "We'll work it out!" he kept saying. And when I look at him as he's saying this, somehow I believe him.

But still, many questions and worries fill my mind. We live in a home, in the middle of the city, that we've been slowly fixing up on our own. It's not near done. How will we fit the babies into our house not to mention our tiny car? There's dry wall bits and tools and unfinished work almost everywhere you look.

I'm worried about the babies development. I'm worried that I'll have to go on bed rest. I'm worried that colin won't get the attention that he needs and sooo deserves. I'm worried about how people will judge us. That's a hard one. I'm sure my husband would say, "Who cares!" but having triplets is like wearing a sign on your shirt that says, "I had fertility treatments!" But we had legitimate medical reasons for using assistance. Not to mention that for soooo many months, even with multiple eggs and an IUI attempt, we had no luck! Negative test after negative test. I guess, when it rains, it pours.

What I'm holding onto right now as my anchor is my awesome husband. One of us had to stay calm in that ultrasound room, and he was. He may have been freaking out on the inside but on the outside he was cool, calm and collected. Just like the night colin was born. I can still hear him saying, "This is going to be okay." "We'll just work it out!"........ I think that I need to hear that mantra a few more times!

Loosing it

Yesterday sucked.

The bean in my belly is making me feel very sleepy (not complaining! just the facts). I found that when it came to dealing with the current ever exhausting nap time, I just couldn't deal. I lost my patience. I disappointed myself.

Nap time has become such a battle and has clouded what I even feel is best for my child and our family. It's making me crazy. I'm trying SO hard to get c to nap in his crib, in his room and he's pushing back equally as hard. There are many tears (from the both of us) and yesterday after all was said and done, I had to wonder, "Is this worth it?" Chris and I talked and talked about it. Ultimately wondering, "If he does nap in our bed, is that SO bad?" I keep coming back to, "Well, he should just be in his own crib!" But I don't know why. I guess I worry that he'll never nap in his own space if we don't put the kibash on this now. That we'll have a new baby at home and a toddler who sleeps wherever he wants, only if he wants and is cranky as a result. I worry that if I don't have a set number of hours that I know I can study, that I'll never finish my PhD., or eat lunch or get a load of laundry done.

Ultimately we need to give our kids what THEY need, not what WE need (within reason). And I think that allowing c to nap in our bed, provided that he actually sleeps the hours that he needs, is within reason.

So I think that's what we're going with today. I just wish my maternal instinct would kick in and I'd just know what the right thing to do was. Nothing feels 100 percent clear as the right approach to take with this.

My baby is 18 months today!

Colin, we're so thankful for you! Just look at you balancing on your highchair like such a big boy! And with a mouthful of teeth coming in! I think that you had a great day today. You and daddy relaxed on the couch watching the ND opening game. You sipped your milk and he sipped his beer. They won. One day when you're even bigger, he'll take you for a game at the stadium!

If I could bottle these days.....

Almost through week 5 of this pregnancy. Next Wednesday we have our first ultrasound and I can't wait. My husband keeps asking me, "How do you feel?" And the weird thing is that although I'm a little tired, I feel great! In fact, I have felt better these past few weeks than I have in a really, really long time. What's up with that?! Tonight, I took another pregnancy test just to prove to myself this is still real! My husband looked at the test and declared that I'm "mega pregnant" because the pregnancy line was way darker than the other line! I've always dreamed of a test looking like that!

I think that the reason I'm feeling so good lately is because I under estimated how fatiguing going through fertility stuff is. The clomid, then the shots, the worry, the endless appointments for blood work and ultrasound, all the while wondering "will we get to have more babies?" Now, that worry is gone and replaced by a deep, peaceful joy. Life is growing inside me! I just feel so blessed. And relieved.

I also feel the desire to soak up as much one on one time with little c before the baby comes, as I can. He will make such a fantastic big brother but life is going to get busier from here on out and I cherish the time we share just the two of us (and when Chris is available to hang too, the three of us). Although I hope and pray (and know) that colin and his sibling will end up being the best of friends, I can imagine it will be an adjustment going from being the only child and constant center of our attention, to having a newborn baby around.

But today it was just us. Today, we had a mommy/ colin day and headed downtown to the Children's Museum at Navy Pier. If I could just bottle these types of days and re-live them down the road when he's a big boy, I would. It was one of those days where I didn't worry about the laundry, cleaning, dinner, nap schedule, e-mails, etc. but rather simply focused on just being with my little man. It was so fun to watch him explore the museum. He was sooo bright eyed; taking in everything. And he's just so freaking cute! He ate cookies while people watching on the EL, then lit up when he saw daddy, who took a break from work, just to give him a hug and kiss and make sure we got on the right bus. At the museum we parked the stroller and walked hand in hand around to each exhibit.

Like buddies.

Right now I'm his compass in this world (and Chris too of course, but I'm speaking of when I'm with c one on one). Colin looks to me to see if something is safe, to share the joy of a new experience, and for reassurance and love if the world turns momentarily scary (like today when he fell out of the mini-canoe and bumped his head). What a sacred thing it is to be able to be a mother.

After the museum, we happened upon a marionette show and so we stopped to watch. Again I saw the wheels turning in little c's head. It was like he was saying, "What is that??"

By the time we'd caught the bus, this was the situation:

Little c,

Just so you always know, I LOVE you. I love hanging out with you. You are bright and sweet and smart and so fun to be with.

Love, mommy

the nap saga continues.....

So yesterday, I went into battle better armed. I talked with a friend of twins who is a great problem- solver. I felt better being able to vent, gained reassurance that I'm not a bad mom and that I'm doing the right thing by helping colin be able to nap in his bed again, and gained some new tips that I hadn't thought about before.

I also bought this:

It was fifty dollars at babies r us. Fifty dollars!

Let's hope it helps.....